What to not say to a person with depression

From Henry's personal library

The most important point from all is this: nobody chooses to have depression and the people nearby cannot control it. Were depression controlled by means of willpower, then psychology and psychiatry would not exist. We do have bad character, insensivity, indiference, callousness, torture, sadism, abuse, cruelty, machiavellianism and and malignant people. However, nobody can create depression out of willpower.

Charlatans tend to do and say what they shouldn't. They pretend to understand depression when, in fact, they don't. They may show up as saviors and they have high levels of persuasion to convince you that they do have the perfect solution for depression. If they adopt blackmailing, threats, browbeat and/or coercion, then we might be facing something worse than a charlatan, a criminal. All the points listed below may also be signs of toxic and abusive people in general.

From a personal point of view, what is the difference between a charlatan and some ignorant person who is innocent and/or naive? If the person does not have any intention to exploit or have any personal gain they are not trying to deceit. If the person does what is listed below and they are unable to comprehend what is wrong with their own actions, then there is something wrong with themselves.

  • Don't pressure or force the person;

  • Don't interrupt the person's train of thought or their account;

  • Don't deny, rationalize or diminish the person's emotions;

  • Don't try to play the mind reader. It's not the time for it;

  • Don't look for something or someone to blame and don't point out fingers;

  • Don't offer silver bullets or quick fixes as if you already knew the problem beforehand;

  • Don't criticize the person's decisions and behavior and don't condemn them;

  • Don't ask for the cause or the origin of the depression. Depression might be related to tragedies or not. The person won't be able to pinpoint a cause and knowing it is not a prerequisite to treat depression;

  • Don't make comparisons in an attempt to show a positive side or a way out. You are, inadvertently, invalidating the person's feelings and criticizing them. It may be a sign that you, yourself, self-criticizes too much;

  • Don't ask rhetorical, inappropriate, tactless or intrusive questions. For ex: "Do you do that to run away?" or "Did you wish to ...". Very often we think that we already know it, when in fact, we don't. One of the reasons for this is cognitive bias and we are resorting to personal experiences which may or may not match the other's experience;

  • Don't say that the person needs to be strong or to resist, among other synonyms because depression is not lack of strength or a sign of weakness. Depression has roots in emotional instability and not in strength. A person suffering from depression is already making huge efforts and is already spending a lot of energy just to walk, speak or stay awake;

  • Don't fight and don't argue. Depression is tied to strong cognitive biases and to argue with the person only make things worse;

  • Don't say it's lack of faith, God, religion or that the cause of it is spiritual. It's not a matter of denying religion or spirituality, which can be positive depending of the case, but a matter of proselytism and rejecting science in favor or something else;

  • Don't recommend to avoid psychologists and psychiatrists like the plague. To say that it's better to be left without any sort of support and treatment than to rely on a bad clinician is a mental trap, because it leads to the belief that depression can be solved with brute force and, can sometimes, hide dogmatism or anti-science stances;

  • Don't deny depression because the person's behavior seems to be normal. Depression can, in some cases, be hidden behind a mask and the symptoms are much more subtle. To try to cheer up the person and tell them that they don't have reasons to be depressed does not help. If a person is depressed and their behavior does not seem to be compatible with depression there comes the question: is the person trying to deceive, to manipulate or is it a scam? It is possible. However, in most cases the depression is very much real. There is another question which comes after the first: is the person over dramatizing or acting out? Or, should they just stop investing so much energy into trying to appear normal? Depression is not controlled by free will and the fact that the person is trying to appear normal means that they are facing an intense inner battle with themselves. They are already pushing huge boulders in their fight against depression;

  • Avoid conventional wisdom. Don't tell them to find support in their families or friendships if these are, in fact, the sources of confusion, negativity and even abuse. In some cases the person does not have a family or friendships to begin with. There is also the opposite advice, which is to say that the person should isolate themselves as if everyone else is to blame for everything bad which ever happened;

  • Advices such as to seek out protection, safety, comfort, to not worry about this or that, to not seek out this or that, to abandon A or B are unsolicited. Unless you already know what is happening. For ex: some activity can mean suffering for one person, while another person associated the same activity with pleasure or happiness. How are you going to foretell what does that activity mean for somebody before even knowing them?

References in portuguese

Look up for depression, suffering, burnout, invalidation and emotions in the above listed channels.

References in english

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